Secrecy
by Kyon Emerald
Summary: "I wasn't programed to lie, Mello." / Once a month, Wammy's children are given an IQ test, which defines their ranking position. Mello's and Near's scores are always the same, so why is Near number one?, Mello incessantly asks, never getting an answer. Until he does. Near can no longer deal with the secrets on his own. / "I... Love Mello. I'm sorry."
1. Chapter 1: Project EARHN

_I don't know what love is.  
__And even though I'm supposed to be just like any human, that's not quite who I am. I have feelings - I'm supposed to have feelings, and yet I try so hard to deny them, to escape them.  
__To escape him._

Locked up with the very person I so desperately wanted to avoid. How ironic...

_Test scores. Somewhere far away, they're just numbers. But here, people are numbers._  
_I am number one._  
_He is number two. Does that make me better than him? Somewhere far away, it doesn't. I just wish we could be in that place._  
_But it wouldn't really matter, now, would it?_

I sighed.  
Mello was always like this. Questioning. And I was always unresponsive.  
Well, not today.  
Why are you number one?, he asked. We have the exact same IQ.

It was always like this. Our test results would come back the same, and he would still be number two. He'd be angry and Roger would lock us away together in "a room with no distractions" for four hours.  
"Calm down and make up," he'd say.  
And Mello would ask like every other time, "Why?" and get no answer. Except this time, he did.

"I'm doing it on purpose, Mello. That's not my real IQ."  
I had measured the consequences before saying that. I didn't care.  
"Why the fuck would you even do that, you twat?!"  
I flinched, "I can't answer this question."  
"Oh, of course you can't. What's the point, anyways? I don't think L likes not knowing your real IQ-"

"He doesn't know. No one knows."  
Mello was silent for a moment, analyzing the information given to him.  
"That makes no sense," he said at last "If you're withholding, like you said-"  
"I _am_."  
"And if they really don't know-"  
"They _don't_."  
"Then how come you're still number one?"

"Because that's my purpose," I whispered.

"That's not a fucking reason! We've all been raised with the same purpose!"  
"I wasn't raised to become L," I let my eyes meet his, feeling him paralyze under my gaze, "I was created," I exhaled, scared for some reason.  
"I'm an android replica. An experiment," I continued when Mello failed to say something. His lack of response aggravated my discomfort, and I couldn't help but ramble on, desperate to fill the silence, "That's where my name comes from, actually. It was originally not Near, but Earhn, with an h - Experimental Android Replica of the Human Neurosystem. Near does seems like a messy arrangement of the original letters, leaving out the h-"

"Fuck." my brain flashed warning signs at his angry tone, "Fuck. Why are you telling me this? Is this some prank? It has to be."  
"I'm afraid it isn't," I said, twirling a lock of hair around my index finger, trying to ignore all the noise inside my head.  
"Why?," he asked again, and I shook my head.  
"I do not wish to tell Mello yet."

"The fuck? You come here to tell me you're a freaking robot-"  
"Android replica," I corrected instinctively.  
"You're not _human_," his hands were balled into fists. _Don't flinch._ "And you all too fucking easily tell me that, but not the reason why you even want me to fucking know."  
"I was simply answering Mello's question," I tried. Of course he didn't believe me.

"Bullshit. I've been asking for years."  
"It wasn't me," I whispered.  
"Come again?"  
I sighed silently, "I'm not the first model. And there's no reason to think I'll be the last." he waited for me to elaborate, and I eventually did, "The other models weren't smart enough. They couldn't reach Mello's level and were replaced. I'm the latest model."

"We've always had the same results."  
I shook my head again, "Those were adulterated. Up until now, I'm the only one who could match you."  
Mello smirked for a split second before blinking in recognizement, "But you're withholding. You're smarter than me."  
"Yes," I replied plainly.

"What... What will happen to me- to Wammy's if they find out?"  
The involuntary search for the likely scenarios filled my mind with unpleasant images. Fire. Blood.  
_Mello...!_  
Silence. I couldn't voice it.  
"Goddammit, Near! Just tell me, for Christ's sake! I have a right to know!"  
"Mello has a right to know many things he never will."

"What?"  
"Nothing," I looked down at my feet, "Please, Mello, try to understand my position."  
"... What's gonna happen to you?"  
"I've been calculating Mello's level of improvement to obtain the same results with no margin of error up until now. They would find me defective for hiding this potential." I said, leaving the rest up to his imagination, "But that is not what I was referring to," I shifted my weight, feeling his eyes on me, "It's quite difficult for me to carry a conversation with Mello, as he seems to be angry most of the time. My brain keeps flashing red "Caution" signs - it's quite noisy - also, it keeps showing me escape routes."

"Is that why you're always staring at nothing?"  
"Precisely," I informed.  
He huffed, "I'll calm down."  
I tried not to show surprise. I had used my brain's automatic functions as merely a distraction, but now Mello was sitting on the floor next to me - too close, and yet not close enough, taking deep breaths, actually trying not to scare me.

"I'm cool now," he said after a while, snapping me out of my bewilderment.  
I nodded.  
"What is it that Mello needs to know?"  
"Do you have feelings, Near?"  
I knew that would be his first question. I wondered if he'd be surprised by the answer...  
I had to force myself to be honest,"Yes."

I looked up, but he averted his gaze this time.  
"What kind of feelings do you-" he shook his head suddenly, and small warning flashed on the corner of my vision. He sighed, "Nevermind. Tell me how you work. How human are you?"  
"I'm not human, as Mello has already stated. But... Hm... I operate with a replica of the human neurosystem, which is supposed to control a human body."

"Do you have human organs?," he asked with certain apprehension.  
"No. Replicas."  
"What about blood? I've seen you bleed."  
"I can't produce real human blood, currently. And given that my composition is quite different from that of a human, I don't really need it. In other words, even if all my organs were to shut down, I'd still live on.  
I don't need to eat or breath either, but those are all things that help my system run smoothly, so I do it."

"So basically, acting human makes it easier on you?"  
"Yes. Because my operational system is basically a copy of the human neurosystem with added functions."  
"Added functions?"  
"And some removed. For example, while I can calculate whether something harmed me physically, I can't feel pain."

Hours went by, and Mello seemed to have endless questions. We sat together, just talking.  
It was enjoyable, and it eventually came to an end.  
I informed him Roger was coming back in 15 minutes.

"One last thing, Near." I was mildly distracted by the sound of my name on his voice. He stood up abruptly, "Whose idea was this?"  
"Could Mello be more specific?"  
"The EARHN project. Who's behind it?"  
I stoop up as well, "I don't think Mello would like to know."

He grabbed my shoulders, pulling me close to him. It took a moment before the warning signs died off and I could see his blue eyes staring deeply into mine.  
"I need to know," he said in an uncharacteristic desperate tone "Who is it?"  
I took a deep breath.

"L."

* * *

**A/N: **I am very, _very _insecure about this. That's all I have to say.


	2. Chapter 2: Embarrassment

I had just enough time to watch those blue orbs widen before the door was opened and Mello let go of me instantly.  
"Are you all calmed down?"  
He didn't spare me a last glance before walking out, not caring to give Roger a reply.  
The old man then turned to me, and I politely nodded at the repeated question.  
"Do you need a check up, Earhn?"

"I can do those on my own, Roger. My body is fine."  
He clasped his hands together anxiously, "We should still check your brain, no? What if your system is defective-"  
I shook my head vigorously. A check up would mean him looking into my thoughts and going through my memories.  
"I wouldn't have been released if L was expecting any failures."

"Well, yes, but-"  
"If L doesn't think I'll crash, why should Roger?"  
"I don't. But... The other models didn't succeed..."  
"Those weren't able to develop a high enough IQ. The reason why they were considered defects was not the system itself, as Roger is well aware. That being so, why is he insisting on a check up?"  
Something about Roger's body language set off an alarm, and I knew couldn't ignore it this time.

"Forget it. I was just thinking, maybe you caught a virus."  
_What a poor excuse._  
"I'm not a computer, Roger," I snorted, "Nor am I human," I added more quietly, "I don't catch _viruses_." It sounded like I had taken offense, which wasn't bad in that situation. Roger showed a slightly puzzled expression and I took this opportunity to leave, whispering a "Excuse me" before walking through the open door.

* * *

_I remember the first time I opened my eyes..._

L was there, staring at me with such expectancy I immediately feared being a failure.  
But he smiled then, and I felt relief wash over me.  
"Do you know what time it is, Earhn?"  
A rather odd question it was. But also, the first test I've ever passed.  
"8:43 p.m." I replied automatically, instinctively.

L seemed pleased.  
I didn't know why, but something inside me wanted that man to be satisfied, just as instinctively as I'd known what time it was.  
"My name is L," he said, sitting down in a crouched position on a chair placed next to my cold autopsy table.

"L called me Earhn before. Is that my name?"  
He tilted his head, "I suppose you could say that. It stands for Experimental Android Replica of the Human Neurosystem. That's what you are."  
"What does "L" stand for?"  
He let out a quiet laugh.  
"Nothing," he said, looking right at me.

* * *

"Near!" a voice I was very familiar with called impatiently.  
I heard a loud knock on the door and smiled internally.  
_Mello_.

Not trusting my voice to shout out a reply, I silently padded over to the door, opening it and moving to allow Mello entrance.  
"Did Mello need to _pound_ on my door? It will be a while before my brain decides it's safe."  
"I'm not sure it is," he said, pacing back and forth on the carpet.  
My sight was once again clouded by obvious escape routes, as well as some not so obvious ones.  
I closed the door.

"What seems to be the matter, Mello?"  
He stopped his pacing and turned around to face me, "It's not just _one_ thing," he sighed.  
"Would Mello like to sit down?"

A few minutes latter found Mello sitting on my bed, myself sitting on the floor and unusual breathing techniques that surprisingly did calm him down.  
"So, basically I told Matt everything." I nodded, having assumed he would. He hesitated for a brief moment, "He said some weird shit and I can't stop thinking about it. It's not like I have the have the hots for you, so it doesn't matter whether you're a robot, a human or a fucking unicorn," he said, waving his hands around, probably for emphasis, "But _L _is involved in this. And it just feels... Wrong. I mean, technically, any of us can decide they don't wanna be L and just leave," all this time, he had seemed to be talking to himself. I was somewhat surprised when he looked directly at me with an emotion I couldn't decipher and said, "But what choice do _you _have?"

* * *

"That is because Earhn isn't human," L explained easily.  
"But I'm supposed to pass as one, yes?," I asked, looking down at myself.  
The man just nodded.  
I nodded as well, "Then, I want a real name."

He smiled, and once more I mirrored his action.  
"You can pick a name."  
"L seems to know what name I'll pick," I stated plainly.  
"That's because we've had this conversation a few times before."  
I didn't understand what that meant. In fact, I didn't understand many things at that moment.

But it couldn't bother me less matter as I sat up and proudly announced my name, "Near."

* * *

"I'm afraid I don't understand what Mello means," I breathed, "What does it mean to have the hots for someone?"  
Mello's eyes widened and he looked away from me.  
_Please_, I pleaded internally, though I'm not sure what for.  
"It means to want to have sexual intercourse with someone," he huffed, "Can lil Near understand _that_?," he asked sweetly, and I knew he was mocking me.

I chose to ignore it, "Then, Roger has the hots for me."  
"_What the fuck_?" he suddenly stood up.  
"That sort of intention sets off alarms." and the alarms Mello himself had set off suddenly quieted down.  
Was Mello... Laughing?  
And before I knew it, I was laughing with him. And when all laughter had died off, we were laying together on the carpet.

Mello was panting and I was breathing calmly, watching his stomach rising and falling.  
"It is getting late. Mello should get going if he's sleepy," I said when he could breathe normally.  
"I'm not."  
I hummed in agreement, "I can tell. But I assumed Mello wanted to leave as soon as possible."  
"Nah."

"Does that mean Mello wants to stay for as long as possible?"  
"Shut up."  
_No alarms?...  
_  
"Mello isn't angry."  
"_Shut up_!"  
"Nothing. No alarms."  
He sat up and I followed. A quick glance at his face brought me surprising conclusions.

"Could it be that... Mello is embarrassed?"  
"You really need to learn when to shut the fuck up, Near."  
And then Mello left.

With a deep sigh, I let myself fall back in the carpet, spreading my limbs. My brain told me my head would've been hurt by the impact, that I should be more careful.  
"Yes, yes." I mumbled, knowing my system couldn't hear me, "It's not like it would give me internal bleeding. And even if it did, what does it matter?"  
I let my eyes close. I don't know how much time I wasted like that before I heard a soft knock on the door.

"I'm here for todays report. Could you let me in, please?"  
I got up.  
"Yes, of course, Roger," I said loudly.  
I looked around, trying to find something out of place. _Nothing_. _It was like Mello had never been there_.  
Why did that thought give me a sense of emptiness?

I shook my head and moved to open the door.

* * *

**A/N:** This baby has a lot of my attention right now, so I'll probably update more often than I should.  
Tell me if you liked it at all?


	3. Chapter 3: Who I am

"... Lastly, I learned a new idiom today."  
Roger scribbled down my last words, nodding weakly to himself.  
He appeared to be uncomfortable, and I wondered if it had anything to do with the situation earlier that day.

Mumbling hurried thanks, the old man excused himself.  
After he left, I stared at the old wooden chair until the memories of my first day here started playing.  
Those treasured memories that made me company in the long, lonely days I spent in that room caused me to sigh silently.  
The rectangular, plain room was certainly my favorite part of the orphanage. Even if it was lonely, it was familiar.

And in that room, I didn't have to watch the other kids interacting, which always made me painfully aware of my own limitations.  
I was L's successor.  
I couldn't give in to my feelings. I couldn't have friends. I couldn't fail - I wasn't allowed to.  
But even so, when the door opened and I turned around to find a slightly sweaty, panting and obviously tired Mello, I smiled.

"What is Mello doing here?" I asked, reaching for a lock of hair to twirl around my finger.  
He said incoherent words in-between pants. Something about Roger and insanity, it seemed.  
I waited until he was able to speak properly, twinges of curiosity making me twirl my hair more emphatically.

"Are you fucking insane?" was his first understandable phrase. Moving from his crouched position, he grabbed me by my shoulders, shaking me vigorously enough to cause a light dizziness, "That guy could've _raped_ you!"  
I stepped away from his touch, "Roger comes here every evening, Mello. It is his duty to obtain a report on my daily activities." once I was sure Mello was listening, I resumed my toying with my hair and proceeded, "I have a direct connection with L for emergencies. Roger wouldn't try to..."  
I chose to leave my sentence unfinished, as Mello's eyes had widened in realization.

He bit his lower lip and turned to leave once more.  
"Wait," I called. Mello froze, fists shaking slightly. I took a deep breath, "I'm sorry for making Mello angry earlier."  
"What?," he inquired, still not turning to face me, "What do you got to be sorry for, uh?"  
"I honestly don't know," I said, feeling somewhat foolish, "But I don't want to be alone."

* * *

I knew it was wrong.  
I was just curious, I told myself. Curious about the object of affection of my ancestors, the previous models.  
But I hadn't lied. I didn't want to be alone.  
It was not what I was supposed to be doing, not who I was supposed to be.

"I'm L's successor," I started. Mello looked at me like I had just said the silliest thing he had ever heard. I continued nevertheless, "Mello will never be number one. He'll never win against me."  
My fears... I hoped he could see them in my eyes, because I had no words to describe them.

"You're not number one though. What model _are_ you?" he asked, smirking.  
"Sixteen," I replied mindlessly, blinking, "I'm quite complex, so it's only natural that there would be numerous failures."  
He nodded, "You said it yourself: there's no reason to think you'll be the last one."  
"That may be true," I responded, "But I'm still L's successor. Even the older models were considered number one when it should have been Mello."

"You got a name, don't ya?," he asked suddenly, "Or would you rather I called you Earhn?"  
I frowned, "Please do not. I'm Near."  
"That's right," he chuckled. "You're Near. Quit calling yourself L's successor when you got a beautiful name like that. And besides," he pointed a finger to his chest, "Who knows? I might be able to beat you one day. Don't take everything for granted."

"But even that... L knew." I was looking at the floor now as I spoke my concerns, once again twirling a lock of hair around my finger, "He knew I'd pick this name because the other "me"s did."  
"That just means the original you made the decision. And you sticking to it only proves it's who you are."  
"Does Mello honestly think so?"

"Of course! What do you take me for?," he asked, mildly angry, "Don't think I'd sit here comforting you. If I said it, I fucking mean it."  
I looked up at Mello. He was staring at me intensely.  
For some reason, I felt self-conscious under his gaze.  
"Why do you play with your hair like that?"

"Somehow, that was the last question I expected."  
He laughed lightly, "It's only natural that I'd ask. Robots don't have habits."  
"Robots have computers for brains," I huffed, "I'm not a robot."  
"Well then, why do you do it?"

I didn't have to stop to think before answering, "It calms me down. Helps to clear out my thoughts."  
He hummed approvingly, "That's also part of who you are. Just like your name."  
I nodded contently.  
"But... Mello said he wouldn't be here to comfort me," I tilted my head, dropping the hand that played with my hair, "Why is he here, of all places? Doesn't he despise me?"

"For the longest time, I did. But then I found out it wasn't your fault at all and, well... I pity you," he said, "I don't like pitiful things. That's why I'll try to help you. Don't be too much of a burden or I'll just quit, don't doubt that."  
I wanted to point out that Mello hated to leave things unfinished, but I was almost certain that was one of those things that were better off not said.  
So instead, I voiced another one of my many questions, "What will happen then, when I'm no longer an object of pity to Mello?'  
He simply shrugged, "We'll see."

It was silent for a moment as I reflected on his words.  
"Does Mello really think my name is beautiful?," I asked at last.  
My only response was a pillow thrown in my direction.

* * *

We had easily fallen into a routine - Mello would come to my room. We would talk and he would amaze me with his simple ideas that had never occurred to me.  
During the time we spent together, I was more than an experiment, more than L's successor.  
I was Near.

But that time would come to an end, as everyday Mello left before Roger came in for the day's report.  
And in order not to neglect our studies, we agreed he wouldn't come back after that.  
My nights were sill filled with the emptiness of memories - except it didn't feel empty anymore.

The memories of my days with Mello made me laugh and sigh and say little nothings to the air, and smile.

* * *

**A/N: **It's my birthday~!  
And I was so super focused on White Lie (which was very difficult to write, as it's not what I use to write, and is definitely getting a sequel) that this chapter just had to wait. Once I sat down to write it though, it was surprisingly easy.  
Tell me if you liked it at all?


	4. Chapter 4: Here we come

_I have a direct connection with L_, I had said, because I never thought of it as the opposite.  
When L did contact me, it was a bittersweet surprise.

Mello had been trying to teach me the basic concepts of sarcasm when my attention was stolen by a black warning sign.  
Suddenly, I was hearing L's voice.  
"How are things going?"

"That's an uncharacteristic question," I pushed the shock aside.  
"Is it?," he mused, "I suppose there's no need to answer, then. Are you alone?"  
"No," I replied, not offering further explanation.

L hummed in a contemplative manner before proceeding, "Roger's reports show the desirable progression," he announced, "In other words, you seem to grow brighter by the day," he said dismissively, "I really do hope you'll be the last model, as I see you have the potential to become my successor."  
"Please," I interrupted, not wanting to hear more of that bored tone, "Tell me the real purpose behind this call."

He didn't respond immediately, and I could picture him smiling.  
"Very well, Near-kun," he conceded, "I think you have more potential than you're letting on."  
My breath caught in my throat and I could say nothing in reply.  
L didn't seem fazed by my lack of response, and I wondered how much of this conversation had already been predicted.

"In order to examine this potential more closely, I'd like you to assist me with my current case, Near-kun."  
He fell silent then.  
Slowly, I was able to breathe again. My mind began looking for hints, quickly bringing me one single conclusion.  
"Is L in Japan?"

"Yes," he replied promptly, "Well done, Near-kun," he was probably smiling again now, the kind of smile that I couldn't help but reciprocate.  
"Please consider my request carefully," were the last words I heard before he was gone, leaving no room for a reply.

It felt like my system had restarted and for a moment I wasn't sure where I was.  
Then I saw Mello looking down at me, and carefully recollected myself from my position on the floor.  
"It seems I've fallen," I said as nonchalantly as I could.

It occurred to me that I didn't know exactly how long the call had lasted, or if Mello had heard it, even if only my end of the conversation.  
His cerulean eyes shone with curiosity though, so I had to assume he hadn't.  
"Shoot," he demanded.

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that idiom," I blinked.  
"You don't even _need_ to," his eyes followed the hand that reached up to my hair, then stared into my eyes for a slip second before he averted his gaze, "I mean, you feel face-flat on the floor out of the blue, and _stayed _there," he gesticulated profusely, voice growing louder with each word, "_On the fucking floor_, for more than long enough to make me wonder _what the fuck was that?_," he pointed a finger to my chest, defying me to answer.

"L called me," I admitted uncomfortably, "He requires my assistance with a case."  
Mello frowned, as if considering my words. After apparently judging them a satisfying reply, he nodded.  
"I'd have to go to Japan," I told him, my voice wavering slightly.

I did not want to be pulled away from this sense of happiness and fulfillment that filled my days with Mello.  
At the same time, I didn't feel like I was given an actual choice on the matter.  
"Good for you," he said, still nodding. His voice sounded far away, and I knew he was plotting something, "But don't think I'll just accept it and fall behind," he warned, "I'm going too."

"Oh?," I raised an eyebrow teasingly "And how is Mello going to accomplish this?"  
"Don't you dare underestimate me, you twat!"  
His playful anger wasn't enough to set off any alarms, and I grinned at that.  
"Yes, Mello."

* * *

Mello was just one of the people unknowingly trapped in the wide web of lies and secrets that revolved around what was called justice. That was certainly how Roger saw him.  
But not for a moment did I doubt he could swing his way into the Kira case investigation.  
Not just because he knew some things he wasn't supposed to ever learn or because I wanted him to, but also because I knew he had the potential - Mello was passionate. He walked through life, building up a path to follow with fiery words and actions.

For all Roger knew, Mello had passed by my room while I was packing my belongings and demanded an explanation - Because of his involvement in the project, Roger would know that when confronted, I'd answer with nothing but the truth. And because of hi frequent visits, he'd know the door was rarely closed.  
It wasn't too hard to believe, and Roger gladly accepted that as the reason why Mello had barged into his office, _demanding_ to be taken to Japan with Near.

L was immediately contacted, and while Mello had been ready to put up a fight, it wasn't necessary, as L was pleasantly amused by Mello's efforts.  
And Mello was only too glad to tell me in vivid detail how his plan had worked out perfectly - so much so that I'd be able to pass on the story with possibly more precision than if I had been there.

"After all," Mello contently repeated L's words, "He's still a potential successor."

* * *

The day of our departure was mildly stressful, although everything went according to plan and perfectly following the schedule.  
Leaving Wammy's wasn't very comfortable, and neither was the presence of so many strangers sending mixed signals and occasionally setting off bothersome and unnecessary alarms.  
I was obviously not suited for crowds.

Those moments at the airport didn't last too long however, and were instantaneously forgotten once I could sit down and play with my favorite robot toy, effectively ignoring the people and their emotions.  
But even as I immersed myself in that fantasy world, I was still solidly aware of Mello's warmth beside me.

* * *

**A/N:** They're gonna play catch Kira! Who saw that coming?  
I certainly didn't!  
I mean, I knew I was gonna involve Kira at some point because I needed them closer to L and I like Kira as a case, so yeah :P  
Tell me if you liked it at all?


End file.
